I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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