just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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