i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
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Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
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Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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