i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
