I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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