mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
