I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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