Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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