I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
