I cannot find my penis.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
