Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
