I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize