you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
