Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
