I'm gonna have a badass scar
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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