Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
last night I used snow as a chaser
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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