I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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