Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I would ride that face into the sunset
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
