the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We're too hungover to prance.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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