I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
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I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm like, not good at living.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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