I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
