new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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