Well douche your snatch and let's go!
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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