im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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