She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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