I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
