Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
