but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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