I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
