last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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