I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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