You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
