Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
