when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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