my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
