I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
