New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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