just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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