I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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