I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
