Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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