He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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