Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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