I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I have feelings that need drinking.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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