sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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