it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
