As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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