I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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