i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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