just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
