Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
