There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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