susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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