Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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