I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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