dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
