R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
