I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
