i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
