I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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