life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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