My nipple is on Facebook.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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